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funny wedding vows

Marriage is a serious commitment, and most couples want their ceremony to reflect the gravity and sincerity of their decision to spend the rest of their lives together. But, now more than ever, couples also want their wedding to be a reflection of who they are—their style, their personality, and their sense of humor. And wedding vows are the most opportune moment for a good, loving, tension-breaking laugh.


Whether you’re writing your own vows or borrowing from others’ witty words, funny wedding vows are a hot commodity. They can help calm any nerves while lightening up the traditional ceremony for your guests. But where’s the line between heartfelt humor and a cheap stand-up comedy routine? We’ve compiled some of the best funny wedding vows examples to help steer you in the right direction, as well as some tips for writing funny marriage vows of your own.


bride and groom smiling reciting wedding vows

Photo: Lovebirds and Lace

Funny Wedding Vow Samples - One Liners

“I promise to unclog the tub, even though only one of us has long hair.”


“I vow never to steal your covers, unless you are hogging them.”


“I promise to pay all my debts to you—a Lannister always does.”


“I vow to take your hand when it’s too dark, and the dog out when it’s too early.”


“I vow to protect you from spiders as long as we both shall live.”


“I promise to get up and get the remote from across the room, even if it was not I who placed the remote so very far away.”


“I promise not to drink your drinks, even though I am thirsty and your drink is literally right there.”


“I vow to always let you have the last blueberry pancake.”


“I vow to be there when you start Netflix marathons and finish actual marathons.”


“Now that we’ve gotten skinny for this wedding, let’s get real fat together.”


“Let's forget when to shut up, forget being polite, let's be that couple, those people, and have the time of our lives until we drop dead.”


“Let’s grow old disgracefully together.”


Funny Wedding Vow Samples - Complete Vows

For the Athletes and Sports Fans

“I Michael, take you, Jessica to be my lawfully wedded wife and chief tennis doubles partner, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for when we win and the very, very rare occasion when we lose. I promise to love, honor, and cherish you, to return your serves and do my best not to foot fault. This I vow to you.”


“I promise to love you as much as the Chicago Cubs and not hold your black-and-white striped dress against you. From this day forward, I will listen to all of your complaints about the mall if you say them during the off season and promise to retire my baseball cap and face paint for public outings. I will love you in sickness and in health, from this day forward, until death parts us or you become a White Sox fan.”


For the Animal Lovers

“I promise to love and cherish you as much as I do our dog, Spot. From this day forward, I will lint roll the chairs whenever your parents visit. I will love you in sickness and in health, as long as you take care of the vet visits. I promise to cuddle with you as much as I do Spot and pick up treats for you whenever he gets some, too.”


“From this day forward, I promise to declaw our cat Fluffy so that you are not scratched. I will always make sure the litter box is clean and will keep Fluffy out of Spot's house. I will love you for richer or poorer, so long as Fluffy gets gourmet cat food.”


For the Partners In Crime

“Let's be dumb together—just plain stupid. Make bad choices, eat the wrong things, take wrong turns, and then let's tell great stories, the same ones—for ever and ever until no one can stand us but each other.”


“I want your worst—give me your bad hair days, your long commutes, your burnt coffee, lost keys, splashed shoes, annoying coworkers, lost receipts, broken copiers. Give me your everyday and I will give you my love to make it alright.”


For the Realists

“I just want your company, that's it. Just your company and your support—your undying support. Oh, and for you to forswear all others besides me—just all those things. Oh, and your kidneys—can you give me a kidney? Just one—and oh, your whole life—everything in your whole life—so I guess that includes your other kidney and your internal organs and soul and such. So that's all I want. Just that. Think you can handle that?”


Bride/Groom: “I promise to leave my apple cores and dirty butter knifes on the counter

I promise to overdraft the checking account

I promise to complain about the kitty litter

I vow to encourage us to try new and strange things

I vow to fill your ‘I love you’ bank every day

I vow to never use a recipe when fixing dinner

I vow to be the best parts of me that fit perfectly with the best parts of you

Although I will be imperfect, I pledge to be sensitive and respectful of your unique talents, abilities and quirks

I pledge to lend you strength for all of your dreams

Through our union we can accomplish more than I could alone

I believe in you.”


Bride/Groom: “I promise to forget to stack the dishes on the right and leave stagnant water in the sink

I promise to always drive the speed limit, even on the freeway

I promise to cuss loudly at video games

I vow to snuggle you as often as possible

I vow to make you really really laugh out loud

I vow to always try one bite of any meal you create

I vow to be the best parts of me that fit perfectly with the best parts of you

Although I will be imperfect, I pledge to be sensitive and respectful of your unique talents, abilities, and quirks

I pledge to lend you strength for all of your dreams

Through our union we can accomplish more than I could alone

I believe in you.”


Famous & Funny Wedding Quotes

“To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” - Ogden Nash


“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” -Gabriel García Márquez


“Marriage is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend, every single night of the week.” - Christie Cook


“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” - Anonymous


“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” - Dr. Joyce Brothers


“You don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you.” - Richard Needham


“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner


“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” - Robert Quillen


How to Write Funny Wedding Vows

For many couples, writing your own wedding vows is a surefire way to get your personality—and your sense of humor—to come through. This, of course, comes with its own anxieties: writing your own vows can be challenging enough without trying to make people laugh. We recommend checking out our top 10 tips when writing your own wedding vows, as they are applicable to every type and tone of marriage vow, but there are a few additional considerations when you’re going for funny:


  • Start by thinking about what you have in common—your similar quirks, tastes, and hobbies make for great “we’re a team” fodder. Go for more unique qualities. “We love watching movies” isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but “I can’t wait to watch Mean Girls with you for the 800th time” is specific and amusing.

  • ...or go the other direction! Everyone loves an “opposite attracts” reference. Think about what you love to do that drives your love a bit crazy, and vice versa. The more familiar your guests—at least your family and close friends—are with these traits, the better. It’s much easier for everyone to laugh when they’re in on the joke!

  • On that note, try and avoid inside jokes. If you two are the only ones laughing, your wedding vows won’t pack the same comedic punch.

  • Other topics to avoid? Old relationships, fights, and anything about your sex life. You might find a funny spin to all of the above, but those sorts of statements tend to make guests uncomfortable, and rarely stand up to the test of time.